Angsty rant alert.
I think that I am overthinking this.
Part of the reason why I’m stuck is because I keep saying it to myself, over and over and over. “I am stuck, I don’t feel real, I am lost.” And instead of trying to fix it, I feel helpless and sad.
This has got to stop, obviously. But how?
I wish I could go somewhere for a while. Just me. I wish I could drop everything and hole up in a cottage in the Lake District with nothing but books and some vinyls and a stocked pantry of food. I’d go for walks and write and maybe paint things…and somehow figure myself out. And learn to be a pleasant person. But no. I’ve got to finish Harvey and school and everything and learn to be pleasant here and now. In Icetown.
Bleh. Fire and brimstone.
Hmph. Maybe I should really curse. Out loud. Loud and long and clear. Ala Hugh Laurie. Would that make me feel better?
...Maybe. It's worth a try.
Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn. Damn.
Well, look at that. A dam of damns. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I'm dammed up. There's just too much going on inside of me and it is building and building and building and the pressure is becoming too much and soon I'll explode in a big nasty mess all over everybody.
But maybe, just maybe...an explosion would be a good thing. It would mean I could rebuild. Start from scratch. Like a blank piece of paper, "fresh with no mistakes in it" as Anne Shirley would say.
But...how?
Dammit.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I get stressed or upset, I always want to "run away." (I actually HAVE several times...one of those times I ended up walking the streets of San Francisco's suburbs, knocking on doors and selling vacuums and kissing a Russian drug dealer with really great hair. But that little runaway only worked for so long.) About every other day this semester, I've thought about buying a minivan and leaving everything behind and taking Jacob all over the country and not doing anything else responsible ever.
The point is I know that our situations are different, but I feel you on this one. I've felt the same way before.
And if you explode, I'll help you clean up any messes and get put back together again.